Why I Hate Advertising: Free Oxygen in the Passenger Compartment of Every Car!

Who  knew sparkling beverages could be hydrating?

It's true. All beverages hydrate, including sparkling beverages. So if you are looking for hydration, but want the delicious and refreshing taste you get from Coca-Cola, don't compromise—go for it! You'll be hydrating your body with each and every sip.

— Packaging copy on each and every Diet Cherry Coke 12 pack

Somehow, I'd missed this truly stupid bit of promotional writing until riding home today with a couple 12 packs turned over in the basket.

It's true. A product that is about 99.9% water has a hydrating effect. So do fruits and vegetables. So, I suppose, does the blood of virgins. Diet Coke, more hydrating than the blood of virgins. Conveniently available in more places. And more refreshing, too.

This is not a particularly useful public health bulletin, even for idiots, because it only covers beverages. They  might want to know the hydration effects of other liquids. For example, if they can't find a delicious and refreshing Coca-Cola product, which of these other trusted brands could provide the hydrating benefits they deserve?

Curel Therapeutic Moisturizing Lotion? Yes, "moisturizing lotion" sounds hydrating, doesn't it? And if you picked Curel, it's true. Refreshing, hydrating water is its most plentiful ingredient!

Ortho Weed B Gon? Congratulations! If you picked Weed B Gon, you are on the right track! It packs a whopping 92% of non-active ingredients. Most of which you will recognize as hydrating water. Plus, it kills chickweed, clover and creeping charlie.

409 Antibacterial All-Purpose Cleaner? But you have a big thirst. And your body is crying for relief. So go for it! 409 is 99.7% stuff your body can use in a hydrating way! Plus, it's antibacterial!

Apparently, the copy formerly promoted soft drinks, but maybe some marketing genius said, "Wait a minute! Soft drinks sounds... soft... flabby. We want to promote a fun, active, healthful life style. Plus, what about my product line, DASANI Plus? It's an Enhanced Water Beverage — not a soft drink."

You can learn more about the wonderful effects of Coca-Cola products at Coke's website, where there's a Hydration Calculator to help you estimate your hydration needs.

For example, if you are a 45-year-old male who weighs 175 pounds, you need 125 ounces of daily hydration from food and beverages, whereas, a 90-year old, 300-pound  male would need 125 ounces. Age 19 and only 120 pounds? You need 125 ounces, 13 ounces more when you were 18, so be sure to drink up.

You can even calculate the impact of exercise on your hydration needs. If skinny boy bikes for an hour (the longest ride the calculator can handle), he'll need another 8 ounces.

Now, as reader of this blog instead of product packaging, you're probably  already thinking: "Wait a minute. Isn't the caffeine in many Coke products a diuretic? So instead of hydrating, it flushes fluids from the system?"

According to this research into the effects of caffeinated drinks on athletic performance:

When no exercise was carried out, caffeine acted as a strong diuretic, hiking urine production by a torrential 31 per cent. However, it was a different story altogether during actual cycling. As the cyclists pedalled along, the use of a caffeinated sports drink didn't boost urine output at all, compared to drinking the caffeine-free beverage. In addition, caffeine had no effect on heart rate, body temperature, or perceived effort. This was in spite of the fact that the athletes were swallowing the equivalent of two cups of coffee per hour during their three-hour exertions.

You're welcome.