I was going to give the biographies of Republican candidates for Minnesota governor equal time, but after reviewing their websites, it quickly became apparent they were going to be a lot less fun than the DFLers.
Let's just say, this field is self-thinning.
But even worse for my specific line of merry-making analysis, the GOP doesn't seem to exhibit the same level of ancestor worship. None of their candidates soared to the mythic-sounding heights in the life stories favored by the DFL candidates.
Purported front-runner Marty Seifert came closest with how he "picked rocks, pulled weeds, picked pickles on his hands & knees and did various farm jobs to save money for college. He worked at the Dari King in Redwood Falls while in high school and delivered pizzas for Domino's Pizza of Marshall during college in order to work his way through without any government grants." Presumably, the farm earned no government subsidies, or else Marty sent back a portion of his pay.
Pat Anderson of suburban North Oaks is a "fourth generation Minnesotan" whose brother is a champion professional sled dog musher in Alaska. That's about as compelling as the heritage story gets, but Anderson's bio was actually was the best among the candidates of both parties — assuming the objective of an "About" page is to make the candidate sound like a real person rather than simply an appealing archetype.
Anderson, with the sled dog reference, was not the only one to hitch a ride on the Palin ethos.
Tom Emmer of suburban Delano played hockey in Alaska after leaving Boston College and named one of his kids Tripp. But in case you were thinking he had something in common with college hockey player Mark Dayton or BC alum R.T. Rybak, Emmer "relentlessly represented insurance companies" and "defended police officers against excessive force claims." He almost makes "trial lawyer" sound GOP-friendly.
Of the three H's — Bill Haas, David Hann and Phil Herwig —the first two hardly provide enough biography to tell them apart, let alone to make their stories memorable. Herwig at times nearly strays into Leslie "Earth Protector" Davis territory, promising to "push the envelope" on all sorts of policies and invoking Paul Wellstone.
Let's put it this way, Norm Coleman isn't second-guessing his party switch as he considers running again for the office he once lost to a wrestler and a 98-pound legacy candidate.
With mostly suburban entries, the GOP lineup is only marginally less city-centric than the DFLers'. So why do the family values candidates skip the Roots reruns?
Here's my theory: The Republicans believe their platform is closer to the outstate mindset, so they don't feel compelled to pretend they're just regular folks who have corn silk in their hair and iron ore in their blood. They're also less likely to care about people different from them, so they don't make pro forma attempts to reach out and establish empathy. Finally, they might just think it's fake to claim tenuous family connections as formative experiences.
Black, urban, gay, union member, organic farmer, artsy fartsy hipster, police brutality victim — don't expect any inclusive family stories from this crowd. You want in the Big Tent, you gotta buy a ticket.
