The State of the Nation is great again, believe me.
And now, after eight years, people are saying I am the greatest President in history. I’m not saying I am, but I must be, because of the people. The people have spoken, so very many people.
Who wouldn’t say it? With my friend Vladimir Putin, I ended the threat of Radical Islamic Terrorism. Spent a lot of nukes between us. Now show me a Radical Islamic Terrorist. You can’t. There aren’t any. Very few refugees. Still, some bordering countries are complaining about fallout. Frankly, the Ukraine, Spain, Greece and Italy were already disasters. Niger, Nigeria, how were we supposed to keep them straight? Who names a country Chad? Those are not serious countries.
Still, we are sending aid. The Toby Keith Getwell Tour. And Amazon Prime will be available for a special one-dollar introductory rate.
I know some of you were disappointed. I mean, blow up the Middle East and no Armageddon! But I held up my end of the deal. God had my number. He didn’t show. End of story.
America is safer since we started charging admission. You’ve seen the lines of foreigners waiting for tickets. Huge crowds. But well-behaved. Very respectful. Concessions through the roof. Money that went to smugglers now flows directly to the states.
To be honest, America’s brand was a mess. Only the worst people wanted in. Rapists, drug mules, landscapers. We had no focus. Multicultural this, diversity that. Green, red vs. blue, rainbow flag, Black Lives Matter.
Come on—focus, pick one color, one message, then license the hell out of it.
Take our national parks. Record-breaking attendance with the rebranding, with the partnerships. The Trump-Washington Monument. The gilding done at no cost to the public, I might add, thanks to the outpouring of gold ingots from patriots who, frankly, don’t need to hoard any more.
And Krylon Arches. All that sandstone, so boring. Now the whole family can commemorate their visit.
All these regulations and bureaucracy to prevent people from doing what they want.
Jeff Sessions said let’s crack down on this legal marijuana. I said, that’s lot of very unhappy people, Jeff. How about we end patent protection on prescription drugs. In exchange, we give big pharma the weed, the heroin, the meth. Don’t even tax it, keep prices low and drive the criminals out of business. There’s your Trumpcare care. Genius.
They said I couldn’t lower taxes. It was so simple. Free market, no regulation, no subsidies. Dump Agriculture, Energy, Health, Transportation, Education, Health and Human Services. The industries were ecstatic. Put them in charge.
For the rest of the Cabinet, sponsorship agreements. Lockheed Martin Defense, Exxon Mobil State and Goldman Sachs Treasury.
I abolished the IRS. Today, no one in America pays taxes except The New York Times, Planned Parenthood and the Southern Poverty Law Center. And Mitt Romney. He should apologize.
And the courts, streamlined. Let the police do their job. All you need, honestly, is bankruptcy court. No more frivolous lawsuits, these terrible decisions, these activist—I’m not saying they’re Mexican or whatever—judges. Just don’t appoint any new ones. Downsize by attrition.
I stole the idea from Mitch McConnell. Smart man, small thinker. Thought doing nothing was a job. Not in a business. Gotta say, though, before Congress adjourns forever, I couldn’t have done this without him.
Social Security. Big, big change. All those people investing retirement savings in the stock market. Dow Jones over 122,000, I might add. Before, the government took your money. Made you save when you could’ve planned for your own future. Bought lottery tickets. A timeshare in Mexico. Always a reverse mortgage as an option. You never go wrong with real estate.
And to all you oldsters who traded your Social Security benefits to join our CCA-Golden Corral Retirement Clubs… You were tough negotiators! I heard Crooked Hillary called them “internment camps.” Who you gonna believe? These are exclusive memberships! Nobody else getting in. Love that buffet menu… Pot Roast. The Carrot Cake. Cage-Free Eggs.
I know, you’re thinking, why won’t he stay another four?
Because I respect the Constitution. And the Electoral College, which I won twice by big margins, record, record numbers, by the way. It’s so beautiful, it should be the Electoral University.
I will still be executive producer of “The Vote.” I want to thank personally the celebrity coaches from #TheVote_2020 who all four turned their chairs for me in the blinds—Ted Nugent, Wayne Newton, Loretta Lynn and Kanye… I’m sorry you all couldn’t have me on your team. But Kayne did a beautiful job helping me appeal to, I’m not saying the blacks, but he did. Good to have you back, my friend.
And the Legends episode, with guest coaches Henry Kissinger, Newt Gingrich, Dick Cheney, and to be fair, Noam Chomsky. Very popular, highest-rated show of the season.
#TheVote_2024 will be an even more tremendous, one-hundred-percent success, with coaches Sara Palin, Omarosa, Ann Coulter, and to be fair, George Lakoff. Some good candidates will audition, I’m sure.
Ivanka hasn’t told me her plans. I ask her her plans, she says, “Dad! The blind trust.” So even I can’t wait to watch.
And no more voter fraud, thanks to the new registration requirements.
Now all you need is a Real ID Twitter account and a mobile streaming data plan. Then watch the show each Monday on Fox, 7pm Central, 9 Pacific, not available in selected markets.
Voting starts next week, and remember, your vote is multiplied five times for every dollar spent at NRA.com, WWE.com, Cato.com or Gazprom.ru.