My father was on a destroyer in the China Sea when I was born. Four years later, I remember being told I was now the "man of the house" and needed to help my pregnant mother and my brother while my dad was deployed off the coast of Cuba.
I was too young to know what my mother was really going through, but I've had a few glimpses now, thanks to my nephew's wife, Gwen.
Today I read the military is considering changing policy so soldiers serving in South Korea can be accompanied by their families. It reminded me of this commentary about how the military lifestyle makes the pursuit of a career nearly untenable for military wives.
I know the challenges that Army wives face. I've been a lawyer and
an Army wife for 10 years. In that period, I've moved seven times. I've
taken four different bar exams and held five different jobs. My income
has been taxed in at least five states. My children have had five
different nannies. I think it's safe to say that military wives like me
face career obstacles that few civilian wives could appreciate.
The author, Laura Dempsey, writes mainly about her personal and professional tribulations as an Army wife. But the challenges she faces as an attorney sounded different from what Gwen has dealt with as her husband, Ben, served in Iraq.
Missing from Dempsey's account was the type of huge supporting role Gwen was playing back at Ft. Hood, Texas.
I sent her link to the article and asked her to describe how spouses like her are asked to support our military. I thought everyone supporting our troops should be aware of those spousal sacrifices, too. It's a level of uncompensated service that's borne off the books and out of sight of the taxpayers. Her volunteer work, plus mothering three kids, doesn't just keep her from
earning a living. It can represent a drain on the family finances.
Here are some excerpts from her reply.
You asked me for my take on the support that is somewhat expected from military spouses. This is a complicated subject and very near to my heart.
My specific experience revolves around the program that the army has put in place to assist the unit in preparing families to be separated due to deployment as well as to create a bond between families in order to create a support system and good communication resources for when the soldiers are away. It is called the Family Readiness Group [FRG]. There is a group at each level in the hierarchy of the Army.
Here is how it works: generally the Commander of a unit tasks the job of Family Readiness Group leader to his wife. If the Commander is not married, then another wife may volunteer to lead or the next officer in command's wife may be asked to step up (as in my situation)... The leader position carries a lot of responsibility because it isn't just the volunteer's reputation at stake.
I considered summarizing all ways Gwen and other FRG members are supporting the troops and their families.
It was quite a list, but it didn't really capture the level of commitment involved. I think Americans need to hear more.
We collected supplies for all of the babies born in the unit and delivered the gifts to the hospital. We also organized meals to be delivered to the homes of all of our new moms as well as any local family members that became ill or had a death in the family or any other circumstance brought to my attention.
I had to attend all meetings and training sessions pertaining to the FRG group and dealing with the stressful deployment situation (usually 2-3 per month, about 2 hrs each and had to find and pay a babysitter each time) and then disseminate the relevant info to about 100 family members via email, phone or US post depending on their situation.
I had to collect and organize accurate contact info for our families so that in the event of an emergency the correct people would be notified as well as to keep communication lines open. I had to make regular contact with each family member to make sure they were up to date and to try to help with any issues.
I was part of the CARE TEAM for the unit which goes to the homes of family members whose soldier has been injured or killed to provide support (babysitting, making phone calls, a shoulder to cry on, etc). I was the liaison between the family member and the army. Any question or issue that they needed help with they would contact me about it first and I would either answer it or find the appropriate person and forward them on.
As a group, we send care boxes to the unit for every holiday and at least 1 x per month. We visited all of our injured soldiers at BAMC (2 hrs south of here) or at our the Base's hospital. We went to memorial services, purple heart ceremonies, and also coordinated transportation for soldiers coming home for R&R leave or emergencies.
When the soldiers were redeployed we made sure that all of the single soldiers living in the barracks had blankets, pillows, sheets, toiletries, etc. All of which were not provided by the Army and had to be paid for through fundraising by our group. We only had 30 soldiers in the barracks, but I know a few units had over 100.
I personally went to every welcome home ceremony. Each event that required our group to pre-prepare boxes, or goody bags or even washing the sheets and blankets was held at my home. Each time I had to clean and prepare my home for guests and I also fed the whole group each time.
She also described a family that almost lost their baby during a series of medical setbacks. The father was in Iraq with Ben, and Gwen scrambled to coordinate communications so he could get home.
The baby was in very bad shape and I even worked with the brigade level FRG leaders to start making funeral arrangements. Then this family's other child fell ill...
To make a long story maybe a little less long, the soldier got home in record time, the baby survived, and I had a $360 cell phone bill. I also had to call in many favors from friends to babysit and run errands for me while I dealt with this situation. The friends that all helped me are also army wives dealing with deployed husbands, acting as single moms, some of them are also FRG leaders, and they all took time away from their families and FRG groups to help.
I know I'm forgetting things that we did. I'm sorry if it all seems a little scatter-brained. Even as I sit here writing to you, I need to be assembling gifts and award certificates for all of my volunteers for a recognition ceremony this weekend, and I need to pick up Will's glasses from the store, make dinner, help with homework, and still be nice to my husband when he gets home. [Ben returned in December.]
It's all what you make of it. No one is forced to volunteer... just like you aren't forced to enlist. If I didn't want to do it, I never would have stepped up. It's a lifestyle that Ben and I are committed to for the time being.
By the way, I think its funny that Ms. Dempsey is complaining that her kids have had to have 5 different nannies. Nannies? Really? That is so far outside my bubble of understanding. Must not be too tough if she has a nanny. I want a nanny.
Just kidding.
– Gwen
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