I think all intelligent, patriotic, and informed people can agree: It would be great if the U.S. could find an Iraqi Augusto Pinochet. In fact, an Iraqi Pinochet would be even better than an Iraqi Castro.
–"Iraq Needs a Pinochet," Jonah Goldberg
This opening paragraph was described as "one of the most ridiculous sentences I have read," and Jonah Goldberg has been called a moral degenerate and a war criminal supporter. Nevertheless, in the interests of reaching across the divide and respecting both sides of the torturing strongman issue, I decided to reach out to Mr. Goldberg.
After all, the editor's chair at the Strib is vacant, and rumor has it that the next editor may not be so, shall we say, tolerant of idiocy in pursuit of "balance." This would open up an opportunity in this market for a new liberal media outlet that would appeal to all intelligent, patriotic and informed people by snapping up columnists Goldberg, Katherine Kersten, Mona Charen and maybe even the other James Lileks.
So I rang him up to invite him to do an Across the Great Divide trial column: Jonah Goldberg advises the Democrats on picking their '08 presidential nominee. This should be a cinch for him to do, because a) Goldberg presumably knows more about the U.S. than he does about Iraq, Chile and Cuba combined, and b) Americans actually get to pick the U.S. leader.
The following transcript skips the initial pleasantries and one little white lie about Across the Great Divide being a startup funded by Bob Dylan, Peter Himmelman and Bill Cooper.
JG: I think I already did that column, where I threatened self-immolation over an Al Gore-Hilary Clinton ticket.
CQ: Yes, you did stake some new ground for far-fetched Coulteresque comedy by proposing to kill yourself instead of others, but you never actually gave the Dems any advice. I was thinking you might reprise the pick-your-poisonous-despot theme. Who would you rather see on the ticket ...
JG: Kucinich-Vilsack.
CQ: I mean metaphorically, and speaking for all Americans. You know, extending another Sophie's choice, as you did with the Iraqi Pinochet - Iraqi Castro piece.
JG: The Democrat party doesn't have anyone with the balls to be a despot. I think we'd have to go with a Kenny G vs. Cat Stevens. Plus, that brings in the Muslim angle.
CQ: Not that metaphorical. Maybe something with your usual trenchant historical analysis.
JG: Huey Long or George Wallace?
CQ: Not extreme enough.
JG: Franco or Shah of Iran?
CQ: No good. Can't have two fascists. How about Hitler-Mao?
JG: Let's see. Hitler exterminated 6 million Jews and plunged the world into war, but on the plus side, he killed millions of communists and paved the way for real democracy in Germany. Mao was responsible for even more deaths and propped up North Korea, but he only murdered his own people and paved the way for China's economic miracle.
CQ: Gee, I don't know. When you put it that way, it's so hard to choose — like between having a hot poker shoved in your eye or up your...
JG: No, it's more like the choice between waterboarding and getting power drilled. That's the trouble with you lefties. You're incapable of making these fine moral distinctions.
