Across the Great Divide

Best of Friends.

I'd like you to meet my best friend.

Sure, we're pretty far apart in age. We didn't go to school together and our kids didn't, either. My wife didn't know his wife.

We didn't live in the same neighborhood or go to the same church.

We never worked in the same company or industry, never served on the same committees or shared a profession.

I was a Democrat, he was a Republican.

We didn't play the same sports or listen to the same music.

In fact, I'd never even heard of the guy until I was trying to raise some money and someone said, go talk to him — he has a lot of it.

He turned me down! Talk about meeting cute.

Still, something must've clicked then because we're very close. He's always been there for me.

Don't believe it can happen?

We're living proof.

Getting a Handle on the Times.

Over 30-plus years, you begin to acquire a range of tools, and if you move out of apartments and start house holding or cabin keeping where there's some payback on doing work yourself, some of them may be worth a damn.

I'm a very far cry from my brother-in-law with his compressor, Lincoln welder and rolling Craftsman cabinets, and most of the time, I could live my life just fine with a bottle opener, mechanical pencil and a bike pump. (And I could manage without the opener.)

But on occasion I go on work binges that involve agrarian implements or janitorial supplies. Here in Colorado, where my garage is not the beneficiary of tools purchased decades ago, I am struck by how most everything is a made-in-China plastic-and-pop-can-steel piece of crap that will have to be replaced in a few years.

The handle on the hose reel broke off in the first six months. Today, the threaded end of a window scrubber buckled when I put too much pressure on it while cleaning up. Yes, it's hollow extruded plastic. I've already got a bicycle tie shim holding the squeegee t-bar on its extension pole, because the best telescoping pole the store had was threaded and the best squeegee, unthreaded.

The axe is an illustration by a friend, Eric Madsen, who has drawn an entire, admiring series of Carlyle's Tools. At the moment, I can't think of a better way to show what we have lost.

First Come, First Served.

I usually don't work blue, but it's hard not to pass on this short item sent by a Michigan friend.

Police say a Michigan man has been arrested after "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum" at a car wash.

The unnamed suspect was caught in the act at a Saginaw-area car wash at 6:45 in the morning.

There's no doubt money was exchanged, but as yet, no prostitution charges have been filed against the vacuum.

Halter, Do You Want to Take a Call From Puck?

Ever wonder if you'd been born to different parents how your life might have turned out differently?

You know, like instead of going off to college and becoming a doctor, you'd get to introduce the guy who knocked you up on national television?

Can't help you with the whole scenario. But here's a hint how you might start out in life if you were were born to Sarah Palin and the First Dude — preferably before she turned 40.

The Palin name generator had me coming out as Puck Mule Palin or Chisel Dustup Palin, depending on whether I went with informal or full name. My son, using only first and middle names, was Stinger Assassin Palin. Adding my last name peacefulized things a bit to Ammo Canal Palin.

In case you think this is bogus, I just want you to know my DP came out as Halter Grasshopper, which, while not directly descriptive, certainly would've gotten my attention in the next life.

[h/t The Same Rowdy Crowd]

Sweet Home Alabama.

All of a sudden, Aric's mission had gone very, very badly.

The main landing was still a month away and, instead of making preparations, here he was in some stupid earthling's pocket!

He had been instructed in techniques to handle the humans. They were slow-witted and not very observant, but hurricanes and birds were not part of the briefing.

And the head wound was shaping up to be a major inconvenience.

Fortunately, the earthling who found him in the gutter was performing per spec, and the pocket was warm... very nice... Aric felt his protoplasm returning to Ambient Zone 3.

Now, if only the human would stop the squeezing. Such intimacy was usually reserved for the femmes,  but Aric understood the earthling attachment to Gummi Bears and miniature totems. His inedibiity was likely to ensure his survival.

Meanwhile, Aric had hopes of tuning into the wireless connection.

Dare he send the distress signal as an unsecured transmission?

 He himself did not matter, of course. He would be grateful to expire for his planet. From his limited perspective, the nation was only at Code Orange and the humans, preoccupied with Iran and earmarks and gutting moose, whatever they were, would not not know what hit them.

What saved them.

The October Surprise.

I have it on good authority from one of my Colorado contacts that October 14th is going to be the big day. To my friend, the surprise event will only be a wider confirmation of what he and his cohorts already know, but it will shake up a complacent world.

If he's right, liberals will be most thrown for a loop, and Joe Biden is unlikely to have the experience to respond effectively, though Barack Obama might.

Some of the details are still being teased out, but I can draw you the outlines. On October 14th, a 2000-mile-long spacecraft will appear in the sky. It's still unclear whether it will be over the southern U.S., south over Mexico or in the southern hemisphere. With a ship that long, you can see why there might be a margin of error in the prediction.

The word "Alabama" has also been revealed. It's not known whether this will be where it is sighted or if it's the space ship's name.

I should not need to add that the occupants are not from around here, and they will not be eligible to vote.

You read it here first. Or, if you didn't, you are clearly wasting your time reading blogs.

Stop and Smell the Fertility Symbols.

This dancing scarecrow, bundled from straw at a community garden along the Midtown Greenway just east of Lyndale, is placed high uphill, so if you've got your nose to the derailleur, you'll miss her.

And speaking of feminine fertility symbols, you may remember that I posted about another mysterious madonna-like sculpture (seen here from the other side).

I first saw it following a big storm, and because the rest of the split tree was still in the yard, speculated that it might have been created naturally, since it was more refined than your average chainsaw yard sculpture.

On a later pass, I could see its final version  was created intentionally. Three large branches from the rest of the fallen tree form archways over the walk, and the wood's surface is preserved.

But an even more serendipitous discovery awaited.

Some good friends had recently moved into that neighborhood. When my DP went to their house for the first time, who but our friends should happen to own the sculpture!

However, they had taken to calling it The Phallus and were discussing whether to remove it. I think my fervent appeal has given the dead tree new life.

And finally on the topic of serendipity, our family has been going through some health issues that are going to turn out all right.

One day, we received two cards in the mail — one from my family members in Colorado and the other from our military nephew's family in Texas. I see this stuff all the time.

Do you?

And Just So Y'all Have it Straight...

The beginning of the end of Concordia Parish’s year-long election process began Wednesday with qualifying for several elections.

Elections slated for this cycle include Seventh Judicial Court judges for both divisions “A” and “B,” district attorney for the Seventh Judicial Court, and justice of the peace and constable for districts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5A and 5B.

Those who qualified Wednesday include:

• For constable, District 1: Republican Charlie Quimby, of Ferriday.

— Natchez Democrat

Flag Pin Etiquette.

How do you properly display your allegiance when your candidate has a flag pin? I finesse the problem by never wearing a suit, but McCain supporters have a choice to make.

Via Mississippifarian, John Cole found an interpreter of  John McCain's Nautical Lapel Pin, which renders the candidate's initials in signal flags.

Individual flags represent letters, and also by themselves, common or urgent signals. According to this, three-flag signals can indicate relative bearings. McCain's initials are:

J – Juliet – On Fire, Keep Clear
S – Sierra – Engines Going Astern
M – Mike – I Am Stopped

Okay, but what about Obama?

B – Bravo — Dangerous Cargo
H — Hotel — Pilot on Board
O — Oscar — Man Overboard

Here, you can type in text and have the message rendered for you. Perhaps candidates could use signal flag  bumper stickers to convey their positions in code.

Candidates closer to home, like Norm Coleman and Al Franken, will probably not be doing pins.

N — November — No
B — Bravo — Dangerous Cargo
C — Charlie — Yes

A — Alfa — Diver Down Keep Clear
S — Sierra – Engines Going Astern
F —  Foxtrot — Disabled

Most possible initial combinations seem dire, but mine's not so bad:

C — Charlie — Yes
R — Romeo — (No international designation)
Q — Quebec — Request Clearance into Port

Mysteries.

I just wasted my time today writing a post I eventually decided would only waste yours.

Instead, I offer the best piece of scrap metal found while biking so far this week. If you're interested, I have an entire collection.

Then this:  Is this some kind of sign? If so, does it mean gas prices are coming back down, God doesn't care about gas mileage, or someone doesn't think they'll be on earth long enough to pay off the lease?